My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
