At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
