I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
