Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
