Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
