we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
