hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My feet surprised me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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