there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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