Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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