Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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