apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I AM VODKA MAN
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
