You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
