I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
