True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
