You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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