apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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