When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I did not marry a roomba.
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