Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
