I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
