apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
