I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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