I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
