why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
