She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
