I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
