Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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