im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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