Already got asked if we're dating
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
