hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
