3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
