I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize