Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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