I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
