And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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