Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
