oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
