Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize