ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
