just come out here and I will go home with you...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
