I like my sex mixed with concussions.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
