Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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