If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
