Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
