is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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