Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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