Please, let me fuck your mom
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
