is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize