My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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