so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
