One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
