you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
