Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
