Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
