he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
