I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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