well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
