Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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