I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
